October 1, 2024
by Stephen T. Messenger
My biggest fear would be if someone who listens to me speak says I’m not following my own principles. In this fear, they may say that: “While Steve talks a big game, if you really watch him, you’ll see that he’s not following his own rules. He has a hint of impropriety to him.”
Well sadly, it’s true. Everyone makes mistakes, especially me. We all fall short of perfection and have lapses in judgment, but it’s not about how we fail, but how we recover afterwards. I can recall countless moments in my life where I’ve become angry for little reason, rolled through stop signs, passively taken credit for things that weren’t mine, bent the truth to make myself look better, and morally failed over and over again.
I can recall having breakfast at a restaurant once. As I was paying my check, I remembered I had a meeting shortly after and discovered I had forgotten my pen. Conveniently, the waitress placed one on the table to sign the credit card bill, so I pocketed it and walked out the door.
This act did not just have a hint, sniff, or whiff of impropriety, it was just plain wrong. I have no idea what came over me. That morning, the incident haunted me. I knew I screwed up and wanted to make amends. I drove back to that restaurant, found the waitress, let her know that I took her pen that morning, and apologized sincerely for my actions.
Honestly, she couldn’t have cared less. But I couldn’t have cared more. I made a mistake and needed to own up to it.
We all mess up. It is so important when we identify something wrong in our lives, we take action to correct it, apologize, and bring the misdeed to light.
The Petraeus Scandal
General David Petraeus was an icon in military circles. Across a 37-year U.S. Army career, Petraeus commanded at every level in peacetime and combat. He led the 101st Airborne Division in 2003 into Iraq, commanded the Multi-National Security Transition Command to create a new Iraqi Army, and rewrote critical doctrine surrounding counterinsurgency at the helm of the Combined Arms Command.
He used this experience to return to Iraq in 2007 under what was coined “The Petraeus Doctrine” where coalition forces used it to lower violence and deaths while gaining political capital. Continuing to rise through the ranks, he was appointed to lead United States Central Command, in charge of all U.S. military operations in the Middle East and later assigned to command forces in Afghanistan.
He retired as a four-star general, was known as one of the most respected soldier/scholar/statesmen the military had ever seen, and was appointed as Director of the CIA. General Petraeus could do no wrong. Until he did.
The wrongs he committed began innocuously, but as time progressed and for a variety of reasons he succumbed to multiple temptations. Although his actions were undeniably and morally bad, the manner in which he recovered is the aspect that relates to our topic.
In 2012, David Petraeus resigned as CIA Director after he was exposed in an extramarital affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, and gave her eight notebooks of classified material for her research. How could a man who had it all from a military standpoint, a wife of more than 30 years, two children, and a bright future do such a thing?
We will never know because we cannot see inside his mind, but we do know what he did after.
When news of the affair broke on November 6, 2012, Petraeus walked into President Barack Obama’s White House office and resigned his position. Now, it’s true he waited for this story to become public before admitting it. But he still took ownership.
He apologized in his first public event after the resignation speaking at Southern California’s ROTC Annual Dinner in 2013, and many times thereafter. He pleaded guilty in 2015 to federal charges relating to exposing classified information. Later that year, he testified in Congress by opening with an apology. It’s not what you do wrong, it’s what you do after you do wrong.
In his words, and one of his rules for living: “We all make mistakes. The key is to recognize them, to learn from them, and to take off the rear-view mirrors — drive on and avoid making them again.”
Make no mistake, there were repercussions. He lost his job, his reputation, and his legacy. Ownership comes with consequences. But life goes on. His career continued in other ways, and he’s still an influential part of military strategy and strategic thinking, albeit not the extent he was. Everything is recoverable when we bring our misdeeds to light.
Own Our Mistakes
No one likes to admit we’re wrong, but we are… a lot. And here’s the hard part. Our credibility often relies on us admitting our mistakes. Everyone else probably knows we’re wrong, and not admitting it only makes things worse. And if they didn’t know, our credibility can only rise when we fess up to malfeasance.
To make it right, we have to confront the issue head on. Here’s how.
Step 1: Mentally Accept We’re Wrong. It’s going to be okay. First, we’re going to mentally commit to owning our ethical and moral failures and come clean. While uncomfortable, it will all work out in the end.
Step 2: Plan Our Apology. We need to have a plan to apologize at the right time and place and with the right audience. Not everyone needs an apology—the lady at the snack counter could care less about what we did. Find the ones who need to know and tell them in the proper setting.
Step 3: Apologize. This is the toughest, and most important, part. Directly confront the wrongdoing. Be honest and sincere. Use “I” statements. Don’t make excuses. Ask for forgiveness. A great framework is: “I’m sorry I (fill in the offense). I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
Step 4: Fix Our Errors. It doesn’t end with an apology. There’s probably damage that happened from our actions. Find out what the effects were and take steps to work through them. It may require emotional healing or tangible actions for resolution. Find them and fix them.
Step 5: Learn from the Event and Move on. It’s important to learn from our mistakes, but we can’t dwell on them. Once we’ve apologized, fixed what we can, and learned something from the incident, it’s time to move on. We must be better people tomorrow than we are today.
We Are All Culpable
It’s pointless pretending we are faultless. We will make mistakes, stumble and fall, and err when we want to be perfect, sometimes in large ways like Petraeus, more often in much smaller ways. No one is above ethical and moral breaches. That’s why it’s so important to have the mindset of not having a hint, sniff, or whiff or impropriety about us. Aim for perfection and fall just a little short instead of falling face down in the gutter.
General Petraeus closed his remarks at the ROTC Annual Dinner that night with the second half of his apology. He said:
“But perhaps my experience can be instructive to others who stumble or indeed fall as far as I did. One learns, after all, that life doesn’t stop with such a mistake. It can, and must, go on.
“And the effort to move forward over the rocky path of one’s making is vital, inescapable, and ultimately worth it. I know that I can never fully assuage the pain that I inflicted on those closest to me and a number of others. I can, however, try to move forward in a manner that is consistent with the values to which I subscribed before slipping my moorings, and as best possible to make amends to those I have hurt and let down, and that is what I will strive to do.”
Despite committing grave wrongs, Petraeus turned away from those completely and recovered himself to the public slowly but surely.
That’s a great reminder of knowing none of us are faultless, to err is human, to apologize is important, and to forgive is divine.
This series is part of our BRAG+1 Leadership Philosophy. If you’re just joining us, start from the beginning on 16 January: A Team to BRAG about and continue from there:
Boots: Put Boots on the Ground
Regimentals: Place Service over Self
Armor: Be Resilient to Life’s Attacks
Gun: Close with and Destroy the Enemy
+1 (Belt): Not a Hint, Sniff, nor Whiff of Impropriety
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