August 12, 2025
by Stephen T. Messenger
Time is the most valuable commodity we have, yet it’s constantly under attack. The real challenge isn’t just managing our time, it’s defending it. And the best defense is simple: say “no” more often.
There are so many things competing for our time. Worse yet, there are so many people asking for hours from our day, hours we’ll never get back, for something that may not move our agenda forward. To take this back, we must say “no” to more things.
One of my most quoted lines from that old sitcom Friends is when Phoebe is asked to help assemble some furniture. Her response, with barely a pause: “Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.” Maybe more interesting are her friends’ reactions. They both nod in agreement and affirmatively respond with, “Yep” and “Makes sense.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOZ33vHNqFg
In this ten-second clip, she gives us the model answer when someone asks for our time and it doesn’t fit our agenda. She’s polite, honest, and crystal clear on her intentions. Moreover, she never gives a reason. While she used more words, “No” is a complete sentence. We don’t always have to justify our response.
Saying no allows us to protect the precious time we have to complete our priorities. If we say yes to everything, we’ll eventually fill our time with other people’s agendas, leaving little room for our own. The most damaging example that affects just about every one of us is our dreaded inbox.
The Inbox Is a Thief
Like many of you, every day at work I open my computer ready to tackle big, important projects that demand my attention and have due dates. Simultaneously, I have my email open in the background so something important doesn’t get missed.
I start working on my project, but invariably, emails start to roll in, all pulling me into other people’s priorities. Most of what lands there I never asked for, yet every “To” or “Cc” is a request to stop what I’m doing and focus on someone else’s priority.
What they’re really asking is for me to stop what I’m doing and put them first. And time and time again, I do, trying to be a good teammate and keep my inbox clean. This tension occurs every day from texts, phone calls, notifications, emails, drop-ins, emergency meetings, and hundreds of other distractions that we struggle to say no to.
Whether it’s email, calls, or unexpected drop-ins, the requests never stop. That’s why some of the most accomplished people in the world have mastered the art of saying no.
The Difference between Successful and Really Successful People
If you don’t take Phoebe’s word for it, Warren Buffett said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” Three easy ways to do this are to invest in ourselves first, focus on what matters, and eliminate distractions.
Invest in Ourselves First. Speaking of twenty-year-old television, The Biggest Loser was a weight loss reality show where contestants not only worked to win the game, but to reclaim their lives. I remember many a mom on the show stating they were overweight because they poured everything they had into their family, leaving nothing left for themselves.
While investing in others is good, in excess, it can destroy our lives. Much like the airplane announcement states to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others, we have to invest in ourselves first so we can help others.
It’s not selfish to take classes, grow personally and professionally, network, eat right, work out, and do things to make us better. It not only helps us, but everyone around us. Our personal growth bleeds into our work, family, and interests, and raising the bar. A rising tide lifts all ships, and we have to be the ones to raise it.
Focus on What Matters. There’s a popular concept by Stephen Covey about big rocks. It’s where we take a cylinder and put large rocks into it, signifying the most important stuff in our lives. Next, we put pebbles in, representing less important things, and they filter into the cracks. Then we put sand in as the least important things, and it fills the remaining gaps. Everything fits.
If we added these things in reverse order, the big rocks wouldn’t fit in the cylinder. The sand and pebbles at the bottom would push them out, demonstrating we wouldn’t complete our most important tasks because we’re taking care of the inconsequential. We must know what those big rocks are and relentlessly protect them.
There are things we do each day that truly matter. There are many things we do because we want to or we’re asked to. It’s so important to understand what tasks in our life we have to complete and what we can let go. Focus on what matters, not merely on what’s in front of us.
Eliminate Distractions. Finally, we have to ruthlessly eliminate the distractions in our lives. Imagine if we took out all the fluff and had the time and space to complete the big rocks. No one wants to hear this, but there are many things in our lives that prevent us from using our time productively.
Time vampires drain hours from our lives without producing a return on investment. They include doom-scrolling social media and YouTube, compulsively checking email, meetings with no purpose, long conversations that go nowhere, extended commutes where we don’t utilize time effectively, and constant news cycles justifying it by thinking we’re “staying informed.”
These distractions easily take hours a day. By purging the nonsense and saying no to these time thieves, we can reclaim our lives and replace the hours with productive work.
Just Say No
Nancy Reagan launched the “Just Say No” campaign in the War Against Drugs in the early 1980’s. It was the rallying cry for kids and parents everywhere to stop the madness at its source. In the same way, we have to just say no to distractions that prevent us from focusing on our priorities.
Everyone is going to want portions of our time. Many deserve it, and we should say yes to important events for our family and friends. But many other people are going to attempt to steal time from us, either purposefully or innocently, by asking for our time, talent, and energy.
Next time this happens, think about the cost and benefits, and whether we truly have more important things to do. Let them down politely, professionally, and clearly. Our time is our life. Protect it. Say no more often. And if we need a script, just channel Phoebe: “Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
Click here to sign up for The Maximum Standard’s weekly email where you’ll get a leadership vignette delivered for free every Tuesday morning!
We’re always looking for authors. We coach first time authors (and anyone) through the writing process if you need a little help. It’s worth taking the first step and showing interest.
This website is a personal blog and all writings, podcasts, opinions, and posts are the authors’ own and do not represent the views of the United States Army nor any other organization. Podcast music credit in this audio file is to: “Alex Productions – Legends” is under a Creative Commons license (CC BY 3.0). / @alexproductionsnocopyright
The Maximum Standard 