Don’t: Let Frustration Spread

July 9, 2024

by Stephen T. Messenger

Let’s be honest, there are frustrating times at work. Often, it’s easy to let those frustrations fester from interaction to interaction.

Sadly, one of the easiest and most common things is taking a stressful incident at work and bringing it home with us.

To illustrate, one extremely taxing day comes to mind. I was trying to leave the office right on time for my son’s soccer game and struggled to get out of there. A closing-hour incident kept us all running hard until the last hour as phone calls and emails poured in.

Knowing I was on a time crunch, I hopped in the car and headed home, knocking out some stressful calls on the hands-free device and finishing some emails in the driveway. Predictably, when I walked in, my mind was still on work problems and not ready to engage with my family.

Predictably, I projected my work frustrations onto my wife and kids. I remained in problem-solving mode, directing my family like a military operation instead of, well… family. I effectively failed to leave the problems of work where they belong, instead burdening my loved ones with them.  

It’s easy to take frustrations from one area and transfer them to another. Often because of a leader’s broader lens, we see problems that others cannot, but publicly taking problems from one place to the next confuses the people we’re with. It’s imperative we are resilient to the frustrations of life and don’t let them spread.

Losing It off the Court

Legendary Basketball Coach Bobby Knight is no stranger to problems on and off the court. Known for his sideline tirades with Indiana University and Texas Tech, Knight frequently made a scene to get his point across.

In one of his most infamous incidents, he received a technical foul after officials called three straight fouls on his team in 59 seconds. Storming back to the bench, he picked up a chair and hurled it clear across the basketball court between the net and the opposing team’s free throw shooter.

Clip after clip of classic basketball footage can find Knight frustrated on the sidelines—it’s what he’s known for. But after leaving the court, even the most hot-headed coach should be able to handle the other parts of their job professionally. This wasn’t always true for Knight.

1979: Knight allegedly punches a policeman in the Pan American Games held in Puerto Rico. After being told he could not use a gym to practice, he took a swing at the cop resulting in an assault charge. He left the island and refused to come back on extradition charges.

1981: After a win against LSU in the National Semifinals, Knight returned to his hotel where an opposing fan cursed at him. Knight grabbed him and shoved him against the wall, later admitting to cursing and knocking him down.

1987: Knight and his Hoosiers played the Soviet National Team after winning the NCAA Tournament. In the second half, Knight was ejected from the game for arguing calls. Instead of heading to the locker room, he refused to leave the court resulting in his team’s forfeiture.  

1995: After a loss in the NCAA Tournament, the press conference moderator erroneously was told Knight would not attend to take questions. When Knight arrived, he let loose on the moderator who made no mistake of his own and verbally attacked him.

In these incidents, Knight was carrying baggage from one place to the next. Instead of leaving it on the court, he took the stress and pressure with him, transferring it onto the next person he encountered.

Ultimately, these outbursts defined him. While remembered for a record number of wins in many categories, he’s also remembered as overly aggressive and an example of excessive emotion—one of the reasons he was fired at Indiana. We shouldn’t be remembered or talked about like this, but letting loose on innocent people isn’t something easily forgotten.

Keeping It on the Court

Whether we’re walking into our homes or into a press conference, there are three simple steps we can use to avoid transmitting problems onto others.

1. Know that Every Encounter Is a New One.

No one except us knows what we’re going through. Every single time we step into new places with new faces, we’re entering a unique experience that can never be replicated.

We must first acknowledge that the people in the room don’t carry the baggage we do—they carry their own. We have to leave the frustrating and pressurized events of the past behind and interact with the new environment ahead.

The people we’re about to engage with have certain expectations. In my case, my family was expecting a present father and husband who would leave the rigors of work behind in favor of them. In Knight’s case, the officials, fans, and press corps expected him to interact in a professional manner (until he habitually proved otherwise).

Others can’t understand what we’re going through—honestly, sometimes we have trouble processing it ourselves. Know that each event is a new one for both sides.

2. Take a Pause between Events.

I’ll admit, I don’t do a great job of pausing between events. I take a certain (misplaced) pride in moving from one place to the next quickly and efficiently. But I also know that I need a break to reset my mind and emotions for the next encounter.

Breaks are productive. It’s a chance to reset the brain, clear our minds, and restore energy. Right before I started writing this section, I took a quick breather and came back with a much clearer mindset.

In a 2021 study by Microsoft’s Human Factors Lab, a 10-minute break between meetings resulted in increasing focus and engagement, lowering stress throughout the day, and resetting the brain to lower fatigue. By taking pauses between events, we break the continuous stress on our bodies that accumulates throughout the day.

A chance to catch our breath allows the ability to reset for the next event. This pause is our opportunity to reset.

3. Start on a Positive Note.

We’ve all been in enough meetings to know that the tone is usually set in the first few minutes. If we’re carrying baggage from before, there’s a high likelihood it will affect whatever’s next.

It’s so important to put the past behind and begin on a positive note. We don’t always have to start with anything cheesy or over-the-top, but we should always start with a thank you and inspirational tone. Regardless of what’s in the background of our minds, the people in front of us are the most important.

They’re expecting to be recognized for their hard work, inspired to do better, and challenged with tough problems, not negatively affected by something they weren’t involved in from before.

A Fresh Start

Coming home from work and saddling my family with my baggage is a poor technique. A better way is to know that they are expecting the best version of me upon arrival, take a quick pause before walking in the door to reset, and make a great impression the moment I walk in.

We can avoid transferring problems onto others by realizing our audience is different, taking a short break to improve frame of mind, and starting on a positive note. That is how we lead effectively across multiple audiences.

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This series is part of our BRAG+1 Leadership Philosophy. If you’re just joining us, start from the beginning on 16 January: A Team to BRAG about and continue from there:

Boots: Put Boots on the Ground

Regimentals: Place Service over Self

Armor: Be Resilient to Life’s Attacks

Gun: Close with and Destroy the Enemy

+1 (Belt): Not a Hint, Sniff, nor Whiff of Impropriety

This website is a personal blog and all writings, podcasts, opinions, and posts are the authors’ own and do not represent the views of the United States Army nor any other organization. Podcast music credit in this audio file is to: “Alex Productions – Legends” is under a Creative Commons license (CC BY 3.0).    / @alexproductionsnocopyright   

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