September 2, 2025
by Stephen T. Messenger
Most of us aren’t taught to say no, yet it may be the most powerful skill we have. Last month, we talked about saying no to things. There was such a positive response, I wanted to dig a little deeper.
There are only a limited number of hours in the day, and it’s important to know where each one is going. At the same time, there will be a constant demand from other people to use those hours. None of this is bad but just know that every time we say yes to something, we’re saying no to something else.
My current job at the Army War College is amazing! I’m an instructor, and there are countless opportunities to lead battlefield staff rides, run a research project, enroll in continuing education, earn coaching certifications, write for publications, speak on panels and more. These opportunities are incredible, yet it is impossible to participate in them all.
Lately, I’ve become very sensitive in that accepting one of these events comes with a time cost or forces me to do multiple things at half-effort. This is a great lesson in our personal and professional lives: sometimes saying no to someone is really saying yes to ourselves.
Why We Say Yes
We’re value programmed to be compliant and kind. When someone needs help with something or wants us to join in a cool activity, we’re wired to default to agreement. Moreover, we don’t want to disappoint others by saying no.
Dr. Sunita Sah, author of Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes talks about the three reasons we struggle with no.
First, we don’t want others to think we lack confidence in them by shooting down their idea. When we say no, we subconsciously feel like we’re telling the other person they have bad ideas and can’t be trusted.
Second, we confuse compliance with consent. Compliance is agreeing with something even when we don’t want to do it. Consent is permission or agreement. Compliance is being or feeling forced while consent is having permission to choose what’s best for us in the moment.
Third, we have no idea how to say no without feeling like a jerk.
These three reasons turn our “no” into a “maybe” or “yes” without us even realizing it. But there’s an easy solution.
Knowing Our Values
When we’re faced with a decision to add more to our plate and remove something else, the first thing we need to understand is our values. This simple act will help prioritize what is truly important in our lives. For example, some values are faith, family, education, adventure, wealth, career, and joy to name a few.
When we know and prioritize our values, we can then weigh what we’re being asked to do against what we will give up. For instance, I was once asked to volunteer at my kid’s school, but I realized my values were more in line with spending time with my kids at home.
Once we have our values aligned, we can say no to things to say yes to others.
1. Saying no to protect our passions. I really enjoy writing a weekly article for The Maximum Standard. On a lazy Saturday, instead of napping, cleaning out my inbox, or watching a ballgame, I chose to write this article.
2. Saying no to see our families. It’s so easy to work late. I’ve done it for years in the Army and missed way too many dinners. Now, with a flexible schedule, I have no excuse to miss dinner. I say no to projects or inbox work so I can say yes to my family.
3. Saying no to relax. We all need to recharge. When we say yes to everything, our body battery constantly gets depleted. What will we say no to so that we have energy for what matters most?
4. Saying no to guard ourselves. There are things out there that just aren’t worth our time. We’re asked to attend alcohol-fueled parties, tempted doomscroll social media, lured into casinos, or pulled into gossip. It’s better to guard our time than get sucked into negative influence.
Saying No Isn’t Easy, but It’s Imperative
Just because saying no isn’t easy, doesn’t mean it can’t be done well. First, thank the person for thinking of us: “That’s kind of you to offer. Thank you!” Second, be brief and clear with our no: “That’s not something I can commit to.” There’s no need to overexplain. As we’ve heard many times, no is a complete sentence. Third, offer encouragement for them: “…but I hope it goes well.” Other ways are:
Sorry, I can’t take that on right now. But I know you’ll find the right solution.
I need to pass this time, but I’ll be thinking of you.
I appreciate the opportunity, but I need to focus on some other things.
While saying no may seem hard, it’s actually harder to say yes and have to do something you don’t want to do. Next time we’re asked to commit to something, see if it aligns with our values, know if it will trump something else we’d rather do, and say no politely and firmly.
Saying no is saying yes to something else. The more we honor that truth, the more control we regain over our lives.
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