September 9, 2025
by Stephen T. Messenger
There are few impulses that are more powerful than the urge to criticize someone else’s work. I say that tongue-in-cheek, but leaders who are continuously seeking to complete the mission and make the organization better want to provide advice to help us. When we’re on the receiving end, however, we frequently struggle to view feedback through the right lens and process it effectively.
When someone gives us feedback, it’s a gift. In this present, there’s an art to receiving and using it to advance our personal and professional growth. But first, we must understand two common responses to feedback.
The Good Feedback We Reject
Often we receive helpful feedback from a caring colleague and struggle to process it. For whatever reason, we’re not receptive to someone else criticizing our work. We hear it, are offended, and push back.
I remember receiving feedback when I was a young captain producing staff products for the Brigade Commander. In the review process, the Executive Office (XO) came down and told me that my product didn’t answer the question. I immediately raised my shields and began justifying how it helped the Commander make decisions. After my unwarranted defensive counterpunches, he agreed to send it to the boss for review with the warning that it wasn’t a complete product.
The next day I was called up to the Commander’s office to explain my work. It didn’t go well. The boss had more questions than I had answers, and I found myself redoing the entire project.
There are people out there with experience and wisdom and have our best interests at heart. These are the ones to befriend, to ask for feedback, and use their high-quality comments to improve.
The Bad Feedback We Embrace
Another type of feedback comes from those who offer unhelpful input that we mistakenly accept as valid, which can take us down the wrong path. We hear it, are appalled at our blind spot, and quickly shift to appease the person who gave it to us, whether they’re right or wrong.
One of my favorite things to do when in a leadership position is to know people’s birthdays and celebrate them. I have a list of names and make it a point to call them, wish them a great day, and thank them for their work. At one new assignment, there were almost 600 people, and it was a seemingly overwhelming task.
Several senior leaders with great intentions in the unit advised me not to start the practice arguing it could undermine their relationships and set my successor up for failure. I hesitated and delayed this effort as I tried to understand their point of view.
But after a month, I had a strong internal pull to do it. So, I obtained the list and started making birthday calls, averaging two per day. It proved to be one of the best decisions I made, forming meaningful connections I otherwise would have missed.
Even when people have organizational interests in mind, it doesn’t mean their feedback is accurate. We must think hard about advice we receive and evaluate it critically.
How to Receive and Process Feedback
We must first recognize that feedback may not always be helpful. We won’t know until we evaluate it. To do so, we can use a simple three-step process to discern quality: thank, dig, reflect. Below are micro-scripts and a short evaluation checklist we can use in the moment.
1. Thank you. The first words out of our mouths when someone gives us feedback should be “thank you.” Expressing gratitude signals we welcome correction and reduces defensive escalation.
Micro-script: “I really appreciate you telling me that. Thank you.”
(At this point we’re not committing to change; we’re acknowledging the effort)
2. Tell me more. Ask for specifics so we understand the behavior and context. Asking for detail moves the exchange from emotion to data.
Microscript: “Can you give a specific example?” / “What exactly did you see me do?” / “What would you do differently?”
If a comment is vague (e.g., “Do that better”) ask for the example and the desired outcome.
3. Reflect. Decide whether the feedback is valuable and what to do with it: change completely, adjust slightly, or discard. Reflection should consider motive, credibility, and alignment with mission and values.
Reflection checklist:
- Specificity: Is the feedback concrete or vague?
- Evidence: Are examples provided?
- Source: Does the giver have relevant experience or perspective?
- Motive: Is there a helpful intent or self-interest?
- Frequency: Have others made similar observations?
- Actionability: Can I do something about it that will improve outcomes?
Beware of red flags that lower the feedback’s value: no examples, personal attacks, inconsistent recommendations, unrealistic demands, or advice that primarily benefits the giver.
Finally, run this feedback through a trusted advisor who we know has our best interest at the forefront. By triangulating data with others who we trust and know us best, we can validate a lot of feedback that may seem off.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Feedback
Feedback varies in quality and delivery. It can be presented professionally or delivered messy. How we respond through thanking, understanding , and reflecting determines whether feedback becomes fuel for growth or a distraction. Try this simple experiment: for one month, solicit three candid observations, implement one small change, and record what happens. The habit of seeking and testing feedback is a reliable path to improvement.
Click here to sign up for The Maximum Standard’s weekly email where you’ll get a leadership vignette delivered for free every Tuesday morning!
We’re always looking for authors. We coach first time authors (and anyone) through the writing process if you need a little help. It’s worth taking the first step and showing interest.
Subscribe above to join The Maximum Standard community. We are looking for others to lead along with us, write about leadership, and improve organizations. Clicking above will place you on our weekly, free email distribution list – no ads, no fluff. Just leaders connecting with leaders. Join us!
The Maximum Standard 